mattmanna/blog

Sufferers of migraine headaches should take inventory of the books in their library and remove (carefully) the writings of Jane Austen. Those mean migraines will surely subside.

Here are some statements about Jane Austen which were individually posted on twitter in the spring of 2008. There are only 18 items, 29 short of 47; please chalk that up to a desire to forego the migraine that follows each time Jane Austen is considered.

1. Rap is to music as Jane Austen is to literature.
2. Jane Austen created 7 full books of goo using the same 26 letters employed by William Shakespeare. Amazing!
3. Choosing not to read Jane Austen is the single greatest privilege of being an adult.
4. Jane Austen would go from outright gasbag to outright genius if there was any evidence indicating she was trying to be funny.
5. Speed reading is no match for Jane Austen; neither is enjoyment, sanity, and the act of breathing.
6. The subjects I enjoy most in literature are those Jane Austen chose not to write about.
7. Last night I had to endure a dinner party chock full of “beige” people. You know, persons who listen to Wagner while reading Jane Austen.
8. As a sculptor, Jane Austen would have chipped away at a block of marble until a floor full of marble chips revealed themselves.
9. If literature was presented like software, the collected works of Jane Austen would be an early beta release.
10. Jane Austen is best described as the only known sleeping aid which does not carry a risk of dependency.
11. Jane Austen’s material is much easier to endure if you pretend it is interesting and funny.
12. The complete Jane Austen; four words that really take the starch out of my dickie.
13. The only thing worse than Teutonic myth is the set of 4 opera’s Wagner wrote about them … that’s if you discount Jane Austen of course.
14. Time travel may not ever become possible. However, it is possible to slow the passage of time. All it takes is the writings of Jane Austen.
15. The poor guy would have died abruptly if King Arthur had been able to read Jane Austen at Python’s Black Knight; doubtless Arthur as well.
16. Jane Austen couldn’t fart in 140 pages or less.
17. It can help to think of less pleasant things when faced with a disagreeable task. Today’s plain oatmeal breakfast was eased via Jane Austen.
18. Metallica: “Boredom comes from a boring mind.” No it doesn’t. Boredom comes from Jane Austen.