Jane Austen - PU!

If you’re given to migraine headaches I suggest you check your library for evidence of Jane Austen. A careful culling will surely end those mean migraines.

If you’re unfamiliar with the works of Jane Austen, I beg you, please do not remedy the situation. The misery resulting from exposure to even a half page measure of Austen exceeds that generated by listening to the entirety of Wagner’s Die Meistersinger von Nürnbergwas.

This list of truisms is illustrative of the bone crushing misery which results from exposing oneself to the works of Austen.

• Jane Austen is to literature as Rap is to music.
• Speed reading is no match for Jane Austen; neither is enjoyment, sanity, and the act of breathing.
• Jane Austen created 7 books full of goo using the same 26 letters employed by William Shakespeare. Amazing!
• Choosing not to read Jane Austen is the single greatest privilege of being an adult.
• Mother taught me never to use the word “hate”. But Mom never had to read the works of Jane Austen.
• If literature was presented like software, the collected works of Jane Austen would be an early beta release.
• Jane Austen would go from outright gasbag to outright genius if there was any evidence indicating she was trying to be funny.
• The subjects I enjoy most in literature are those Jane Austen chose not to write about.
• Last night I had to endure a dinner party chock full of “beige” people. You know, persons who listen to Wagner while reading Jane Austen.
• As a sculptor, Jane Austen would have chipped away at a block of marble until a floor full of marble chips revealed themselves.
• Jane Austen is best described as the only known sleeping aid which does not carry a risk of dependency.
• Jane Austen’s material is much easier to endure if you pretend it’s interesting and funny.
• “The complete works of Jane Austen”; six words that really take the starch out of my dickie.
• The only thing worse than Teutonic myth is the set of 4 opera’s Wagner wrote about them … that’s if you discount Jane Austen of course.
• Time travel may not ever become possible. However, it is possible to slow the passage of time. All it takes is the writings of Jane Austen.
• The poor guy would have died abruptly if King Arthur had been able to read Jane Austen at Python’s Black Knight; doubtless Arthur as well.
• Jane Austen couldn’t fart in 140 pages or less.
• It can help to think of less pleasant things when faced with a disagreeable task. Today’s plain oatmeal breakfast was eased via Jane Austen.
• Metallica: “Boredom comes from a boring mind.” No it doesn’t. Boredom comes from Jane Austen.

Goalies Are Not Soccer Player!

“You know Hatch, to be honest, you don’t kick well. You don’t dribble well. But you could be a good goalie.” This is how Pele, the best player in the history of the game, detailed the position of goalie in the movie Victory. The film received a PG rating in 1981 when it was released. I’m sure the rating would have been R if Pele had been allowed to properly express the feelings all soccer players hold in regards to goalies.

Goalies hate everyone and everything except for gloves. They love gloves. They spend more time with gloves than they do with a ball. They wear gloves before the game, after the game, and in the shower. I’ve seen goalies at social events wearing gloves. At least gloves cover the knuckles, most of which, when it concerns goalies, are raw from dragging the ground.

Goalies wear knee length ‘shorts’ and long sleeve shirts. Most wear shoes that are fastened by velcro. I’m told that’s because the gloves make it impossible to tie laces. At least that’s what they say.

When it comes to the game, goalies are soccer players only in an academic sense. Sure they stand (not run) on the field, but they don’t play the game. They play at playing the game.  Sometimes they kick the ball but usually they punt it. Punting a soccer ball is not the same as kicking a soccer ball.

Goalies bark directions, blame somebody else when the ball gets by them, and feel lost when they travel beyond a 18 yard by 44 yard parcel of pitch.

There is no such thing as a change of destiny in regards to goalies. It’s like trying to change the destiny of bugs at a picnic. They buzz around until someone has enough and squashes them. That’s no bid deal, it’s only a goalie, bug.

Last week my niece played her first soccer game. Before the game started she was asked what position she wanted to play. “Goalie,” was the answer. She refused to wear gloves. There’s hope.

"Ssswing batter!"

“Hey batter, batter, batter, batter, batter, batter, batter, batter, ssswing batter. He can’t hit it, he can’t hit it, he can’t hit it, he can’t hit it, ssswing batter.” This chant, used to entice opposing hitters to swing at bad pitches, makes sense in the context of the game. It’s good for your team when the opposition batter swings at a poor pitch, and it’s bad for them.

Swinging at a good pitch, and laying off a bad pitch, is basic, top-notch baseball dogma, a dictate that flows from the time honored history of the game. Sadly it is ignored for the first half of the Carrollton Little League Modified Kid Pitch season.

The league’s rules say the first four pitches will come from the opposing teams pitcher. The next two pitches will come from the batters coach. The umpire calls strikes on all pitches. If the batter has not struck out or put a ball in play after six pitches, the batter is out. There are no walks.

This is an inane set of rules that encourage bad performance. They also tend to discombobulate the eight-year-olds upon whom they are applied. A better set of rules would be for the batter to remain at bat until he/she strikes out or puts the ball in play. Pitch count should be inconsequential.

Under the current rules, fans, teammates and coaches applaud the batter for not swinging at bad pitches that are among the first four. “Good eye, good eye,” is a common call from the stands and dugout.

When batters with one or no strikes get pitch number five and six, they are encouraged by fans and instructed by coaches to swing regardless of pitch quality. The common call becomes, “gotta swing, gotta swing.”

Fortunately the rules change in mid-season. At such time coaches will not make any pitches. The batter will be called out on strikes and awarded a base on balls.

Still, it is a reckless blunder to invoke a rule system that, for half a season, encourages both bad performance and support of bad performance. That’s what chants from the opposition are for.

Bedtime

Should an arbitrary parent-set bedtime trump the delightful lump of learning that so often results from the marriage of minor and machine? My answer: No way! Everyone learns rules but few rule learning; a condition remedied (as so many conditions are) by extending maximum freedom.

Joe is always happy to put my philosophy into action. After many attempts, we have not yet managed to hit his prescirbed bedtime. We have managed to learn a few things together. And, I fancy, make a nice picture.

Sluggers Like Grape

In Texas there are at least two baseball teams named Rangers.

One is a major league baseball team named the Texas Rangers. The other is part of the Carrollton, TX Little League.

To be a successful major league team you have to posses the skills of catching, throwing, and hitting. The Texas Rangers have all but three of those skills, and it shows.

In the last two years, the Texas Rangers have been above .500 for a total of four days.

The Texas Rangers also lack Joe Manna. Joe is a Carrollton, Tx Little League (Coach Pitch division) Ranger.

On Saturday afternoon Joe went 3 for 4 with a home run, double and single.

When asked about his afternoon, Joe replied, “I really liked the popsicles. Especially the grape ones!”

Maybe the Texas Rangers should make grape popsicles part of their modern day Major League zeitgeist. Either that or wait a few years until Joe Manna is old enough to bring his bat (and popsicles) to the big leagues.