Jane Austen Stinks

If you’re given to migraine headaches I suggest you check your library for evidence of Jane Austen. A careful culling will surely end those mean migraines.

If you’re unfamiliar with the works of Jane Austen, I beg you, please do not remedy the situation. The misery resulting from exposure to even a half page measure of Austen exceeds that generated by listening to the entirety of Wagner’s Die Meistersinger von Nürnbergwas.

I beg of you, if we should ever meet please do not bring up the subject of Jane Austen. There is almost nothing as lethal. The following list of truisms is illustrative of the bone crushing misery which results from exposing oneself to the works of Austen.

  • Jane Austen is to literature as Rap is to music.
  • Speed reading is no match for Jane Austen; neither is enjoyment, sanity, and the act of breathing.
  • If literature was presented like software, the collected works of Jane Austen would be an early beta release.
  • Jane Austen created 7 books full of goo using the same 26 letters employed by William Shakespeare. Amazing!
  • Choosing not to read Jane Austen is the single greatest privilege of being an adult.
  • Mother taught me never to use the word “hate”. But Mom never had to read the works of Jane Austen.
  • Jane Austen would go from outright gasbag to outright genius if there was any evidence indicating she was trying to be funny.
  • The subjects I enjoy most in literature are those Jane Austen chose not to write about.
  • Last night I had to endure a dinner party chock full of “beige” people. You know, persons who listen to Wagner while reading Jane Austen.
  • As a sculptor, Jane Austen would have chipped away at a block of marble until a floor full of marble chips revealed themselves.
  • Jane Austen is best described as the only known sleeping aid which does not carry a risk of dependency.
  • Jane Austen’s material is much easier to endure if you pretend it’s interesting and funny.
  • “The complete works of Jane Austen”; six words that really take the starch out of my dickie.
  • The only thing worse than Teutonic myth is the set of 4 opera’s Wagner wrote about them … that’s if you discount Jane Austen of course.
  • Time travel may not ever become possible. However, it is possible to slow the passage of time. All it takes is the writings of Jane Austen.
  • The poor guy would have died abruptly if King Arthur had been able to read Jane Austen at Python’s Black Knight; doubtless Arthur as well.
  • Jane Austen couldn’t fart in 140 pages or less.
  • It can help to think of less pleasant things when faced with a disagreeable task. Today’s plain oatmeal breakfast was eased via Jane Austen.
  • Metallica: “Boredom comes from a boring mind.” No it doesn’t. Boredom comes from Jane Austen.