words • pictures • purple • by matt manna
Not that I do it much. Today is here, another is fast on its heals and achievement requires effort – the kind of effort that reveals “The High School Experience” for the pretense it was.
We’re wiser now. Thirty years of life after Heritage has perhaps rendered us agreeable on one point. The qualities and traditions of high school, any high school, are a paltry rehearsal for what comes next.
If you’re given to migraine headaches I suggest you check your library for evidence of Jane Austen. A careful culling will surely end those mean migraines.
If you’re unfamiliar with the works of Jane Austen, I beg you, please do not remedy the situation. The misery resulting from exposure to even a half page measure of Austen exceeds that generated by listening to the entirety of Wagner’s Die Meistersinger von Nürnbergwas.
I beg of you, if we should ever meet please do not bring up the subject of Jane Austen. There is almost nothing as lethal. The following list of truisms is illustrative of the bone crushing misery which results from exposing oneself to the works of Austen.
“You know Hatch, to be honest, you don’t kick well. You don’t dribble well. But you could be a good goalie.” This is how Pele, the best player in the history of the game, detailed the position of goalie in the movie Victory.
The film received a PG rating in 1981 when it was released. I’m sure the rating would have been R if Pele had been allowed to properly express the feelings all soccer players hold in regards to goalies.
Goalies hate everyone and everything except for gloves. They love gloves. They spend more time with gloves than they do with a ball. They wear gloves before the game, after the game, and in the shower. I’ve seen goalies at social events wearing gloves. At least gloves cover the knuckles, most of which, when it concerns goalies, are raw from dragging the ground.
“Hey batter, batter, batter, batter, batter, batter, batter, batter, ssswing batter. He can’t hit it, he can’t hit it, he can’t hit it, he can’t hit it, ssswing batter.”
This chant, used to entice opposing hitters to swing at bad pitches, makes perfect sense in the context of the game. It’s good for your team when the opposition’s batter swings at a poor pitch.
Laying off a bad pitch is basic baseball dogma; a dictate that flows from the time honored history of the game. Sadly it is ignored for the first half of the Carrollton Little League Modified Kid Pitch season.
The league’s rules say the first four pitches will come from the opposing team’s pitcher. The next two pitches will come from the batter’s coach. The umpire calls strikes on all pitches. If the batter has not struck out or put a ball in play after six pitches, the batter is out. There are no walks.
This is an inane set of rules that encourage bad performance. They also tend to discombobulate the eight-year-olds upon whom they are applied. A better set of rules would be for the batter to remain at bat until he/she strikes out or puts the ball in play. Pitch count should be inconsequential.
In Texas there are at least two baseball teams named Rangers. One is a major league baseball team. The other is part of the Carrollton, TX (coach pitch division) Little League.
A major league baseball team must be able to catch, throw, and hit. The Texas Rangers have all but three of these skills, and it shows. In the last two years, the Texas Rangers have been above .500 for a total of four days.